I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
