Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
