Moan for me like Helen Keller
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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