if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
