I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
that's an acceptable place to lick
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
