i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
