On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
