I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize