I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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