She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
