I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
