I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
