Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
