so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
