lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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