My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
