I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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