I think I died a long time ago.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
