Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
