This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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