as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
