dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
