My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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