all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize