Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
