someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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