Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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