I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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