Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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