Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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