Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
