I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i came on her dog
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
