i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
