woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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