So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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