Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
