just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
