Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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