I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
