Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
