you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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