He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
