Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just pee around me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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