I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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