The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
