my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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