my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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