They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
