His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
