Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
