woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
