the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
