I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
