all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
