but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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