why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
