I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
