You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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