I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
