If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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