New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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