weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
third nipple confirmed
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
