Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
