If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize