So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
