he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
