I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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